I'm back

Almost a year and a half later I'm back.

Dara and I are not longer together.

My son, Max is spectacular.

I am exploring polyamory and thinking about cohousing. All good stuff.

Why the heck did I stay away so long?

What Next?

I have no idea what to do with this blog. It is not anonymous anymore... My life has changed so much in the last week. I am trying to make my relationship with Dara work -- although this new monogamy is difficult for me, I am going to give it a valiant effort. It has been such a struggle.

Yesterday I found a blogger with whom I identify ... La Mason from Singapore. Although many aspects of our lives could not be more different, I draw distinct parallels between the triangle between him, Summer and Clara with my life with Dara & Carolyn. It is well worth a read.

I don't know whether I will post again here, or if I will sneak off and set up a truly anonymous presence somewhere else in blogosphere.

If I don't come back, thanks for the ride -- it has been therapeutic.

And You Thought You Had A Bad Day

From the Archives... August 2003

Dear Friends:

I know I am probably, no scratch that, I am DEFINITELY the worst person at keeping in touch with friends and family – so this is a huge step for me.

I have had an eventful week (a mild understatement). Perhaps to satiate the exhibitionist in me – or to tease out your closet voyeur I wrote this story.

I sent it to a couple of friends and they urged me to share it with more people. Let me know what you think.

Now, I know you will ask, did these things really happen. Who knows, maybe they did, maybe not. Did I dream these events up? I don't know... sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Just so you know, the events chronicled here notwithstanding, I am in great form.

-SD

***

Friday morning. 10:00 AM

I have just dragged myself into the office, eyes bloodshot, and a hangover raging. Why has my headache not succumbed to the two (or was it three) Advil’s that I took an hour and a half ago? I need food.

Damn, there has to be an easier way to do this… How difficult can it be to break up with your girlfriend and to get back into the single life? I thought it was like riding a bike. I seem to take the more challenging route it seems.

To make a long story short, I am rather embarrassed today - the firefighters woke me up this morning at about 2:00 AM. Cooking when drunk is not a good idea...

THE BREAKUP

Ann and I broke up on Wednesday. She was mad because I hung out with a woman from my tennis clinic on Tuesday night. (I thought that is what tennis clinics are for – to meet people.) Anyway, Jenny and I go out for a drink at about 8:30 to this local Irish pub. On the way down, I had called Ann and she joined us for a while but had to go get her legs waxed. Now, drinking makes me hungry – and I began to crave the ceviche at Jackson Hole, a great restaurant a few doors down. When we get there, we coincidentally run into Liz, another woman from our clinic, sitting at the bar with her visiting friend Pat.

I was in heaven – the company of three beautiful women is what a boy like me lives for! Liz and Pat were about to leave, but I bought a great bottle of wine and asked them to stay for one drink – which they did. I ordered my ceviche. We wrapped up at about 10:30 and I walked Jenny to her house.

I went back downtown and met up with Ann. We hung out, but I could tell that she was miffed. As she drove us home, she railed about my moving to Jackson Hole, about my walking Jenny home etc. I did not feel like dealing with it so I simply said, “I am going to bed.”

As I was asleep, Ann was stewing so she went through my wallet and found that evenings credit card slip. Seeing how much I spent, (I told you it was a great bottle) she lost it and started yelling to me “You bought her dinner” – not true. I looked up, not really interested in engaging in any conversation at 3:00 AM. I decided that I would not say anything and rolled over and resumed my snooze. Unfortunately, women in general, and Ann specifically, do not like the silent treatment. Somehow, she decided that dumping a large glass of cold water on my face as I slept would get a response!

That did get a reaction out of me – I did not so much get up, as explode out of bed and I communicated! I asked her (probably a little loudly) to leave my house and go home. She did not leave. I got out of bed and moved to the other bedroom, locked the door and went back to sleep. In the morning, she apologized, but I still did not want to talk with her so I said nothing.

I spent much of Wednesday thinking long and hard about our relationship. I decided that neither of us was very happy. Later in the day, I sent her an email that began with: “I want to stop our relationship. It is not working, and it is not fun anymore. Indeed at times, it is downright frightening.” I then proceeded (with bullet points) to list out what I felt we needed to do to uncouple.

We talked for a good while on Thursday morning. She was mad that I broke up via email. Just so all you guys out there know, I do not recommend doing it that way.

(Do all women go through their men’s pockets? Someone said to me “Ann clearly has trust issues with you.” I wonder why, but then I have been accused of being an irrepressible flirt.)

THE FIRE

Thursday night began rather slowly. My biking buddy Bill came by to see the house – I have only recently moved in. We grilled steaks, sautéed baby spinach, and opened a bottle of Casa Lapostolle merlot. I had a glass (one only!) Bill recently separated from his wife, we chatted about the interesting prospects of being “new bachelors.” I guess he is not wasting time because he left at 9:00 to go pick up a friend at the airport – long distance booty call I guess. He had a picture of her on his Palm PDA - wearing a bikini no less. Lucky bastard.

By 9:30 I was upstairs in bed when another friend, let’s call him Sam called. He was in town and wanted to get a bite to eat. I met him out at Jackson Hole. 2 bottles of wine and 2 beers later he decided to go home. I was having a ball by then so I hung out. I do remember having this sophomoric banter with an English rugby player. He just didn’t see the humor when I said unflattering things about his mother!

As I was walking home, I went to another spot where I was chatting with these two gorgeous Mexican women. One was moving back to Puebla after two years here. I tried to convince her to stay in the US but alas she declined…

Once home, I began eating an apple then decided that I was really hungry. I pulled a steak out of the fridge and began frying it on a pan. I then went upstairs and lay on the bed, turned on the television and waited for the steak to cook.

I have no idea how the firefighters got in, or even who called them. Every single one of my 5 smoke detectors was blaring but I did not hear a thing. Luckily, I was semi decent - shorts on. As they pulled me out of the smoke filled house, I saw what all my neighbors looking at me out of their windows. (And I have just moved in – there goes the neighborhood!)

There were 2 or 3 big fire trucks, an ambulance and 2 cop cars out there. Damn, I hope it does not make the police blotter.

They asked me if I had been drinking - well what did they think? The ambulance crew wanted to take me to the hospital to be checked for “smoke inhalation.” I declined and signed the waiver. What I really needed was to get them out of there so that I could crawl back sheepishly to bed.

When I went back in all the windows were open, the screen in my bedroom was removed...guess they were thinking of throwing me out if the fire started. The pan with the very, very well done steaks (on one side) was on the kitchen floor. In my hungry state, I took a couple of bites off the non-charred side - it sucked.

Then I heard the cat. (Ann is away at a wedding in Michigan, I was supposed to go too, but that would not make much sense would it... I offered to hang out with her cat while she was away.) Anyway, the cat made an eerie meow that I had never heard before. I looked up through the smoky haze and saw her crouched above the kitchen cabinets. She was terrified. I picked her up and carried her upstairs to bed.

This morning I realized that the firefighters opened my back door and all my downstairs windows, and I had happily left them that way. The apple with two bites taken out of it was on my dresser. How do I now get rid of the smoke smell in my house?

This is too much excitement for a 30-something single guy. I mean, heck, I am not a 19-year-old frat boy. I emailed a friend earlier about this and he wrote back “Holy crap! So, you almost died in a fire! Didn't you hear the smoke alarms? Dude. You need to take it easy for a while. Are you still coming into the City? Should I put the fire dept. on alert?” He may have a point. Is this life spinning out of control?

Carolyn & Jimmy

An hour ago I get this IM from Carolyn as I am sitting with Dara and Zach (yes, my 7 year old does go to bed way too late in the summertime.)

I broke up with Jimmy. I'm a mess. It's so much harder than i thought it was going to be. I know i did the right thing... It just hurts so much.

I hope you and Dara can work things out.

Carolyn was there for me, every single time I reached out, as I struggled with dealing with Dara's dalliance(s). There is no way in the world that I will not be there for her now. Yes, I did sleep with her. Again and again. And it was good. But this is not about that. She is hurting, and she is a friend and I want her to know that she can count on me to be there for her.

I call her, she is crying, she is sad. She really loved him, really. He was just not willing to give up being in New Orleans to come up to New York.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk any more. Thanks for calling."

She is amazing. I hope she finds the love that I have found with Dara.

"How Old Will Papa Be When You Are 98?"

Dara asks this of Zach as we are sitting on the carpet before an unlit fireplace playing Rummikub.

"Eh... dead"

We all laugh.

It feels like family.

Letting Bygones Be Bygones, Perhaps

Ring ring...

"Hey hi there, Sage. What's going on."

I have just returned my close Hometown friend's call from a couple of days ago.

"Not a whole helluva, Dara and I are fighting."

"We're not fighting" she yells in the background. "We're making up."

....

"So what was the point of this post again?" I ask Dara as she snuggles up next to me on the couch and steals the tumbler of whiskey out of my hand.

"You want to say that you are so in love, and so magically happy with me and that you want to give this relationship a shot."

"Mmmmm, is that it?"

She is really fighting for me. I notice it, I really do. But I am still uncertain. There has been so much pain, so much hurting -- on both sides I must say or she will doubtlessly correct me -- that I am not sure we will be able to get beyond it.

"Don't say that. I can get beyond it." she says as I type, "You can too."

Vindictiveness or Vindication

Dara thinks I am being mean and vindictive.

"Why did you have to put all of that on your blog. You made me sound like such a bitch."

"Why did you ask Carolyn if she had ever spoken with Zach. If she takes my place ..."

"You've won" she says tears streaming down her cheeks. "I am broken, you say it is not a competition, but why do you keep doing this to me?"

"I know you had a tough day, but I can never imagine what you went through. I am so sorry."

"I did it once, just once. I slept with him just once. How many times have you hurt me? How many women have you slept with since we met a year ago?"

Zach stirs, he is not asleep. I can tell that he is bothered by what is going on. "Hey sugar, it is okay" I say as I hug and kiss him. It is not okay for him to know what is going on. 11:15PM the clock reads, way too late for a seven year old. "I am just feeling a little sick," Dara offers having just been retching in the bathroom. He does not look convinced.

Degrees Of Separation

I met Carolyn on the subway, Angie in an elevator. Dara walked into the tow-pound to pick up a car when I was there hungover picking up mine. Allie and I crossed paths in a bar while skiing in Colorado, Fabienne on a plane landing in Paris, Miranda on a plane taking off from London. Why the fuck could she not have picked up an anonymous goddamn stranger in a park instead of chatting up the roommate of my employee at my frigging office party and then fucking him while lying to me about "not being able to make the 11:07 train." Bitch.

The irony of it all is that she made out with him for weeks in various parks in New York. You've got it backwards, girl... Meet the guy in the park then take him to office parties, not the other way around.

I Want To Be JAZZED!

Chatting with Dara yesterday on IM

Here is the information for our office party tonight...

Is that an invitation?

Yes, kind of, well. I don't plan on being there but you are welcome to go and have fun. I cannot do it. I don't trust myself to keep it together. I don't think I will ever go to one again. I work with the folks here, I don't hang out with them. Nothing good can come of it. As we saw last time.

Well... uh, thanks but no thanks.

Why not?

Why on earth would I want to go and hang out with your employees who I don't even know?

How do I answer that?

You don't need to answer.

I think back to the last party and how I really wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. Now I don't care what my employees think. I really do not. And I don't care for this job anymore even though I used to say that it was the best job I ever had. If money for a little booze is all they want then they can have as much as they goddamn please.

But you HAVE to care. If you don't care then they won't care. You need to heal your relationship with work. It kills me that the way you now feel about work has been a consequence of what I did. I know how much you loved your work. How can you hate it now? All these people who work so hard for you and love their jobs... It's not fair on them.

I am not really present. It's like it is not even me. I am just going through the motions. It's weird. An out of body experience. I want to be JAZZED.

I want you to be JAZZED too! So that is why I think you should go to your office party tonight - to reconnect with your employees and to remember how great they are. Give it a chance even if it is just for half an hour.

A couple of hours later I say

Thank you for dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions. I know that I am the only one responsible for my well being, but I am putting a huge burden on you.

I love you.

I am sure I love you too, but I do not feel love for anything right now. I just don't FEEL love. I don't even feel love for Zach. So I know it is all screwed up and temporary because I KNOW that I love Zach with every cell in my body and them some. I just don't feel it.

Wow! I get what you mean. That is intense. Keep a close eye on yourself. I will. If you go tonight do you want me to come?

I do for a couple of reasons (1) Much as I want to hate you, I like your company and I love you. (2) I can tell that tonight will be a really bad night for me. I will drink too much and I am in a rather beligerent mood, so I think I need you to be with me.

(1) I wish you didn't want to hate me. I like your company and I love you too. (2) If tonight is going to be a bad night for you, I will be there to try and make it a little better. Please try not to be beligerent with me.

She Just Saw The Picture Of A Naked Woman On My Camera

My son Zach absolutely loves Dara. He asks after her all the time and always wants to be on her team when we are playing anything... Monopoly, backgammon, chess, you name it.

This evening we were watching "Finding Nemo" for the gazillionth time. (Why Zach feels the need to watch a movie on cable when we own it on DVD I will never understand.) Midway through the movie Zach gets up off his favorite spot on the carpet and crawls into Dara's lap. (She has said that this bowls her over each time.)

The kitchen timer goes off, Zach's pasta is ready. As I bring it out to him I cannot help but melt with affection at the sight of him splayed out on top of her, his left hand reaching out above his head to touch her hair. I put his bowl down and dig into my backpack for my camera.

"I want to see, I want to see." Zach says after the flash goes off a few times.

"Do you realize that a few years ago you had to wait about a week before you could see the pictures you had taken" I joke with him.

Dara reaches out, takes the camera from me and shows him the pictures that I have taken. She goes back one frame too many. Her face falls. Zach laughs hysterically. I grab the camera. She has seen a picture of Angie posing naked while lying on her bed. Ooops, double ooops.

Dara stands up and rushes upstairs.

"Where did Dara go? What is she doing?" Zach asks a few moments later.

How do tell him that she is upset because she saw the picture of another woman naked on my camera?

Snippets (Caution: Huge Ego Ahead)

My ex-girlfriend Ann drunk dialing Dara out of the blue a few months ago (I am at Carolyn's that night)...

"Do you know that I fuck SagaciousDemon three times a week?"

"So are you going to keep fucking him?"

"Yeah, he's got a good dick."

But Dara gives at least as good as she gets... (though she swears that it just "slipped out").

"You have a beautiful apartment."

"You've been to my apartment??????"

+++

Carolyn in a glow:

"That was awesome. I have never ever come so hard in my life!"

+++

Angie with the back of her hand on her brow:

"Oh my god, oh my god, I just kept coming and coming, one after another. Wow, multiple orgasms. I really didn't think they were possible."

+++

Dara after a particularly energetic tryst over the arm of a sofa that included a popsicle as a prop:

"Did you not come?"

"Damn, how many times would you like me to come? I came at least three times."

+++

Allie somewhat somberly:

"Baby, you spoiled me. You are so good in bed that other guys don't do it for me.

"I need to have a baby soon or I'll soon be too old. Will you be my baby's daddy?"

"Eh..."

+++

Pasha after squirting all over the place:

"Oooh, Niagara Falls! I am so sorry."

"Don't worry. It makes me feel that I have done a damn good job."

She blushes and smiles.

+++

Fabienne on IM:

"I have been dating this new guy for a couple of months, but do come to Paris, I'd love to see you again."

"Why would you want to see me if you have a new boyfriend?"

"Oh, because I always have such a good time with you and although my new boyfriend is a really nice guy, he is so lazy and unimaginative in bed."

You Need To Get A Hold Of Your Situation...

"... Oh and tell Miss Dara that I'm NOT a whore, thank you very much! I mean, if I am a whore, then what is she... Damn, talk about calling the kettle black!

"If she would entertain her man properly then he wouldn't have to look elsewhere for it. Good luck with the drama you continually run back to."

"So you read the blog?"

"Yup"

"Are you mad now?"

"No, you're not my boyfriend... Are you going to sleep with her tonight and make everything so much more complicated?"

Text messaging with Carolyn this evening.

These are the challenges of having a blog that is not totally anonymous.

+++

I call her. We chat.

"Thank you for always being there for me when I need comforting."

"You're welcome, and I'll always be there for you."

And in what may turn out to be a watershed event I ask...

"Have you ever spoken with Zach?"

"So, Why Is Your Roommate Fucking My Girlfriend?"

On June 20th, 2005 @ 5:45 PM Dara said "I am not fucking with your work. Nobody at your work knows anything."

Last night, at yet another office party, I found out that my employee John does know about his roommate Lloyd's dalliances with Dara. Late in the evening, after sharing a few whiskeys, I ask him "So, why is your roommate fucking my girlfriend?"

I cannot imagine that it was an enjoyable conversation for him to have with his boss. He was immediately crestfallen and apologized for "whatever role he may have played" but it is really not his fault. He astonishingly offered to quit if I felt that I could not work with him anymore. He is a fabulous employee so that is not what I want, and I certainly don't think it would be just.

What John did say was that Lloyd's dick tended to get him into trouble. Maybe Dara ran into a 'player'; I suppose I should have said that Dara's love for dick gets her in trouble but I did not. I did say that Lloyd could have her. I felt that I needed to cleanse myself from the whole Dara episode.

In a way that I cannot understand Dara is still fiercely loyal and protective of Lloyd. Two days ago, after overhearing me dismissing her knight-in-shining-armor disparagingly in a phone conversation, she said "He is not an asshole."

If only he was half as loyal to her. This guy bailed out on her after Dara and I were speaking again, right after she said she would not fuck him last Friday, he said "I like you too much, I don't want to be the rebound guy." Yeah, right. Lloyd probably was only interested in easy pussy and not in someone that was in emotional turmoil. Heck, he has the right attitude – there are 8 million other women in NYC.

I was worried about John's suggestion that he may quit, so today I chose to get our legal and HR folks involved. It is a deeply, DEEPLY personal issue but since it could affect my business and/or my employee's decision to stay or go, I worried about possible legal exposure. I also really wanted him to feel assured that I would not be vindictive. It absolutely killed me to share my personal agony of being cuckolded with my colleagues. But it had to be done. It went well, and John and I decided to put it behind us and never mention it again.

+++

Remember…

On June 20th, 2005 @ 5:45 PM Dara said "I am not fucking with your work. Nobody at your work knows anything."

+++

Last week Dara said "I did not fuck with your work. The only way this is impacting your work is due to your psychological state. Nobody knows anything about Lloyd and me." At the time I believed that was the true, but I felt that it was a terribly callous thing for her to say. The business that I manage is responsible for the livelihood of thousands of families around the world, so my psychological disposition can affect a whole bunch of innocent folks. I have no passion for work anymore, and prior to this crisis I thought that this was the best job I had ever had.

So after I left the bar last night where I learned that John knew about Dara fucking Lloyd. I sent her a couple of text messages while in a cab on my way to Carolyn's place. (I love that Carolyn is always there for me when I am feeling blue. BTW she is breaking up with Jimmy.)

10:01 PM Message 1

"Goodbye & thank you. Lloyd is all yours, knock yourself out. It was waaaay too much for me. It could have been but was not to be. Sweet dreams"

I followed it with Message 2 at 10:06 PM

"Ps. Ms Know It All, John did already know about your fun times.'Nobody knows?' – bullshit. Fuck you for fucking with my work. Let's catch up in hell."

I spoke with her soon thereafter but hung up on her because I did not want to listen to her bullshit any more. Then I turned off my phone.

Here are the messages that I received from her when I turned my phone & computer on this morning:

10:48 PM

"I did NOT lie to you. I did not know that John knew.

You have been out to get me. You have been fucking with my head the last few days and I was putting up with it because I love you, because I know that I fucked up royally and I wanted to make it right.

I would have given anything to make this work. ANYTHING. You are punishing me for a mistake that I have already owned up to and apologized for a thousand times. I will say again, I did not know that John knew. You have just thrown away the best relationship you have ever had – you yourself said this. I would have been absolutely devoted to you for the rest of my life.

I bet you are on your way to Carolyn's house to fuck her brains out. Well you go and do that. Go fuck Carolyn and Angie and Ann and whichever other whores you fuck.

Go drink yourself into oblivion. You will be sad and miserable and lonely for the rest of your life because you blame everyone else for your fuckups. Well FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!

You're right. It could have been. The only reason it was not to be is because you decided it was not to be. Go fuck yourself you fucking hypocrite."

10:57PM:

"I never lied to you. I did not know that he knew. If I did I would have told you. So yeah, see you in hell."

11:46PM:

"My heart is shattered. I can't do this. I need you. I'm sorry a million times over. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please talk to me. I was wrong. I'm the one who is alone."

12:19AM:

"I am not going to stop leaving messages until you call me back. If you wanted to get me back, if you wanted to hurt me you have succeeded, okay. You've ripped my heart out and shredded it into a million pieces. I don't get it, I never lied. I mean, I get it, I understand your anger, I understand your hurt. Please don't let it end this way, please. Please call me back."

10:06AM:

"I'm heartbroken and ashamed. Do you hate me? Is there any chance that you will take me back? I don't want to be without you. I want this relationship more than anything. I really do. I am so so sorry."

10:38AM

"What's the next step … with us?"

10:51AM

"If only I had realized the implications. I will never forgive myself for this. Guilt is something I do very well. I think the only thing I know for sure right now is how much this has impacted your work and your psyche."

2:47PM

"Please don't call it an affair" My response, "Okay, your 'casual fucking sex fling'." She says, "This is obviously not a good time, I'll go now. I'm sorry. Call me later if you want to."

3:05PM

"Do you want me to prostrate myself naked on top of the Empire State Building? Broadcast my transgression to the world via CNN? Clean your toilet with my toothbrush?

WHATEVER IT TAKES!

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to do or say or feel. I'm a mess."

3:15PM, as I pour myself a fresh whiskey, I call Dara and say:

"Dara, you have to believe, no matter what happens to us, that you will be okay. Things have a way of working themselves out.

Come out to the 'burbs tonight"

"Okay" she says a little too quickly.

6:08PM my cellphone rings:

"So, do you want me to come out?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I am leaving work now, I will take a cab from the station."

This should be an interesting evening.

7:29PM Knock, knock

"Who is it?" Zach asks looking out of the peephole "Oh, Hi!!! Dara."

She walks in, hugs & kisses Zach warmly then stands in front of me in the living room somewhat hesitantly .

I kiss her cheek and hug her. I am really happy to see her. "Hi. Would you like a glass of wine?"

I hand her the glass and sit next to her on the couch. I caress her hair. Her hand timidly reaches out for my thigh.

+++

Remember…

On June 20th, 2005 @ 5:45 PM Dara said "I am not fucking with your work. Nobody at your work knows anything."

Dara's Words To Me

Dara wrote this to me today.

I will say this again in the hope that it convinces you more each time I say it: I love you. I have no desire to hurt you or trample your heart. I will be faithful to you. I want our relationship to grow and bloom and deepen.

I do not want anyone else. I want YOU. I want your mind and your heart and your body. I fucked up before and I will never do that again. You are too much for me to lose.

Forgiveness Ought To Be Like A Cancelled Note

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.
Henry Ward Beecher (1813 – 1887)

How does one really forgive and forget and let go? I cannot keep going on and on about this. I want to forgive, I decided to forgive, yet I am harboring all this anger. I keep on bringing up the issue that rocked our relationship. While I don't think I will ever erase it from my mind, I need to put it away and not keep flinging it in her face.

I was angry with Dara yesterday and said some mean hurtful things. Why? Maybe the bourbon had something to do with it. All that Maker's Mark.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

I should be strong. It occurs to me not that I was probably so afraid of commitment because I knew that I was not strong enough to survive getting hurt again. The breakup of my marriage devastated me and I did not want to go there ever again.

I wish I was an easier person to manage. I need to get a grip. I mean, I am me so why can I not manage me?

I also need to stop feeling so goddamn sorry for myself.

Temptation

Temptation #1: I noticed her as soon as I walked into the UPS Store this afternoon. Red hair cut short, freckled skin deeply tanned, wearing low-cut jeans and a snug sleeveless top with a bright floral pattern. "Have you been waiting for long?" I asked to initiate conversation. That was all it took. From the Deep South, her name is Bobby Sue; she has just graduated college and is in NYC for an architecture internship. She was a classic target for me, and she was interested. She finished with her business before I did but hung around until I was done. Wow, I thought. Then I decided that I could not fall off the wagon on the first day as a loyal boyfriend.

Temptation #2: I was eating my lunch in Bryant Park, I had taken off my shirt and was basking in the sun dressed in nothing but my blue-jeans. She was asking park patrons to sign a petition for something or other. As we talked I caught her sneaking glances down at my belly and that area where torso gives way to legs. I feel a stirring inside, "Where are you from?" I ask. Eileen is from Jersey and goes to college in Vancouver. "I could get her number and take it from there" the little devil on my left shoulder thought. But the angel on the right won over. "Here is your petition" I said and picked up my stuff and shuffled back to work.