I Want To Be JAZZED!

Chatting with Dara yesterday on IM

Here is the information for our office party tonight...

Is that an invitation?

Yes, kind of, well. I don't plan on being there but you are welcome to go and have fun. I cannot do it. I don't trust myself to keep it together. I don't think I will ever go to one again. I work with the folks here, I don't hang out with them. Nothing good can come of it. As we saw last time.

Well... uh, thanks but no thanks.

Why not?

Why on earth would I want to go and hang out with your employees who I don't even know?

How do I answer that?

You don't need to answer.

I think back to the last party and how I really wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. Now I don't care what my employees think. I really do not. And I don't care for this job anymore even though I used to say that it was the best job I ever had. If money for a little booze is all they want then they can have as much as they goddamn please.

But you HAVE to care. If you don't care then they won't care. You need to heal your relationship with work. It kills me that the way you now feel about work has been a consequence of what I did. I know how much you loved your work. How can you hate it now? All these people who work so hard for you and love their jobs... It's not fair on them.

I am not really present. It's like it is not even me. I am just going through the motions. It's weird. An out of body experience. I want to be JAZZED.

I want you to be JAZZED too! So that is why I think you should go to your office party tonight - to reconnect with your employees and to remember how great they are. Give it a chance even if it is just for half an hour.

A couple of hours later I say

Thank you for dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions. I know that I am the only one responsible for my well being, but I am putting a huge burden on you.

I love you.

I am sure I love you too, but I do not feel love for anything right now. I just don't FEEL love. I don't even feel love for Zach. So I know it is all screwed up and temporary because I KNOW that I love Zach with every cell in my body and them some. I just don't feel it.

Wow! I get what you mean. That is intense. Keep a close eye on yourself. I will. If you go tonight do you want me to come?

I do for a couple of reasons (1) Much as I want to hate you, I like your company and I love you. (2) I can tell that tonight will be a really bad night for me. I will drink too much and I am in a rather beligerent mood, so I think I need you to be with me.

(1) I wish you didn't want to hate me. I like your company and I love you too. (2) If tonight is going to be a bad night for you, I will be there to try and make it a little better. Please try not to be beligerent with me.