Carolyn & Jimmy

An hour ago I get this IM from Carolyn as I am sitting with Dara and Zach (yes, my 7 year old does go to bed way too late in the summertime.)

I broke up with Jimmy. I'm a mess. It's so much harder than i thought it was going to be. I know i did the right thing... It just hurts so much.

I hope you and Dara can work things out.

Carolyn was there for me, every single time I reached out, as I struggled with dealing with Dara's dalliance(s). There is no way in the world that I will not be there for her now. Yes, I did sleep with her. Again and again. And it was good. But this is not about that. She is hurting, and she is a friend and I want her to know that she can count on me to be there for her.

I call her, she is crying, she is sad. She really loved him, really. He was just not willing to give up being in New Orleans to come up to New York.

"I'm sorry, I can't talk any more. Thanks for calling."

She is amazing. I hope she finds the love that I have found with Dara.

"How Old Will Papa Be When You Are 98?"

Dara asks this of Zach as we are sitting on the carpet before an unlit fireplace playing Rummikub.

"Eh... dead"

We all laugh.

It feels like family.

Letting Bygones Be Bygones, Perhaps

Ring ring...

"Hey hi there, Sage. What's going on."

I have just returned my close Hometown friend's call from a couple of days ago.

"Not a whole helluva, Dara and I are fighting."

"We're not fighting" she yells in the background. "We're making up."

....

"So what was the point of this post again?" I ask Dara as she snuggles up next to me on the couch and steals the tumbler of whiskey out of my hand.

"You want to say that you are so in love, and so magically happy with me and that you want to give this relationship a shot."

"Mmmmm, is that it?"

She is really fighting for me. I notice it, I really do. But I am still uncertain. There has been so much pain, so much hurting -- on both sides I must say or she will doubtlessly correct me -- that I am not sure we will be able to get beyond it.

"Don't say that. I can get beyond it." she says as I type, "You can too."

Vindictiveness or Vindication

Dara thinks I am being mean and vindictive.

"Why did you have to put all of that on your blog. You made me sound like such a bitch."

"Why did you ask Carolyn if she had ever spoken with Zach. If she takes my place ..."

"You've won" she says tears streaming down her cheeks. "I am broken, you say it is not a competition, but why do you keep doing this to me?"

"I know you had a tough day, but I can never imagine what you went through. I am so sorry."

"I did it once, just once. I slept with him just once. How many times have you hurt me? How many women have you slept with since we met a year ago?"

Zach stirs, he is not asleep. I can tell that he is bothered by what is going on. "Hey sugar, it is okay" I say as I hug and kiss him. It is not okay for him to know what is going on. 11:15PM the clock reads, way too late for a seven year old. "I am just feeling a little sick," Dara offers having just been retching in the bathroom. He does not look convinced.

Degrees Of Separation

I met Carolyn on the subway, Angie in an elevator. Dara walked into the tow-pound to pick up a car when I was there hungover picking up mine. Allie and I crossed paths in a bar while skiing in Colorado, Fabienne on a plane landing in Paris, Miranda on a plane taking off from London. Why the fuck could she not have picked up an anonymous goddamn stranger in a park instead of chatting up the roommate of my employee at my frigging office party and then fucking him while lying to me about "not being able to make the 11:07 train." Bitch.

The irony of it all is that she made out with him for weeks in various parks in New York. You've got it backwards, girl... Meet the guy in the park then take him to office parties, not the other way around.

I Want To Be JAZZED!

Chatting with Dara yesterday on IM

Here is the information for our office party tonight...

Is that an invitation?

Yes, kind of, well. I don't plan on being there but you are welcome to go and have fun. I cannot do it. I don't trust myself to keep it together. I don't think I will ever go to one again. I work with the folks here, I don't hang out with them. Nothing good can come of it. As we saw last time.

Well... uh, thanks but no thanks.

Why not?

Why on earth would I want to go and hang out with your employees who I don't even know?

How do I answer that?

You don't need to answer.

I think back to the last party and how I really wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. Now I don't care what my employees think. I really do not. And I don't care for this job anymore even though I used to say that it was the best job I ever had. If money for a little booze is all they want then they can have as much as they goddamn please.

But you HAVE to care. If you don't care then they won't care. You need to heal your relationship with work. It kills me that the way you now feel about work has been a consequence of what I did. I know how much you loved your work. How can you hate it now? All these people who work so hard for you and love their jobs... It's not fair on them.

I am not really present. It's like it is not even me. I am just going through the motions. It's weird. An out of body experience. I want to be JAZZED.

I want you to be JAZZED too! So that is why I think you should go to your office party tonight - to reconnect with your employees and to remember how great they are. Give it a chance even if it is just for half an hour.

A couple of hours later I say

Thank you for dealing with my rollercoaster of emotions. I know that I am the only one responsible for my well being, but I am putting a huge burden on you.

I love you.

I am sure I love you too, but I do not feel love for anything right now. I just don't FEEL love. I don't even feel love for Zach. So I know it is all screwed up and temporary because I KNOW that I love Zach with every cell in my body and them some. I just don't feel it.

Wow! I get what you mean. That is intense. Keep a close eye on yourself. I will. If you go tonight do you want me to come?

I do for a couple of reasons (1) Much as I want to hate you, I like your company and I love you. (2) I can tell that tonight will be a really bad night for me. I will drink too much and I am in a rather beligerent mood, so I think I need you to be with me.

(1) I wish you didn't want to hate me. I like your company and I love you too. (2) If tonight is going to be a bad night for you, I will be there to try and make it a little better. Please try not to be beligerent with me.

She Just Saw The Picture Of A Naked Woman On My Camera

My son Zach absolutely loves Dara. He asks after her all the time and always wants to be on her team when we are playing anything... Monopoly, backgammon, chess, you name it.

This evening we were watching "Finding Nemo" for the gazillionth time. (Why Zach feels the need to watch a movie on cable when we own it on DVD I will never understand.) Midway through the movie Zach gets up off his favorite spot on the carpet and crawls into Dara's lap. (She has said that this bowls her over each time.)

The kitchen timer goes off, Zach's pasta is ready. As I bring it out to him I cannot help but melt with affection at the sight of him splayed out on top of her, his left hand reaching out above his head to touch her hair. I put his bowl down and dig into my backpack for my camera.

"I want to see, I want to see." Zach says after the flash goes off a few times.

"Do you realize that a few years ago you had to wait about a week before you could see the pictures you had taken" I joke with him.

Dara reaches out, takes the camera from me and shows him the pictures that I have taken. She goes back one frame too many. Her face falls. Zach laughs hysterically. I grab the camera. She has seen a picture of Angie posing naked while lying on her bed. Ooops, double ooops.

Dara stands up and rushes upstairs.

"Where did Dara go? What is she doing?" Zach asks a few moments later.

How do tell him that she is upset because she saw the picture of another woman naked on my camera?

Snippets (Caution: Huge Ego Ahead)

My ex-girlfriend Ann drunk dialing Dara out of the blue a few months ago (I am at Carolyn's that night)...

"Do you know that I fuck SagaciousDemon three times a week?"

"So are you going to keep fucking him?"

"Yeah, he's got a good dick."

But Dara gives at least as good as she gets... (though she swears that it just "slipped out").

"You have a beautiful apartment."

"You've been to my apartment??????"

+++

Carolyn in a glow:

"That was awesome. I have never ever come so hard in my life!"

+++

Angie with the back of her hand on her brow:

"Oh my god, oh my god, I just kept coming and coming, one after another. Wow, multiple orgasms. I really didn't think they were possible."

+++

Dara after a particularly energetic tryst over the arm of a sofa that included a popsicle as a prop:

"Did you not come?"

"Damn, how many times would you like me to come? I came at least three times."

+++

Allie somewhat somberly:

"Baby, you spoiled me. You are so good in bed that other guys don't do it for me.

"I need to have a baby soon or I'll soon be too old. Will you be my baby's daddy?"

"Eh..."

+++

Pasha after squirting all over the place:

"Oooh, Niagara Falls! I am so sorry."

"Don't worry. It makes me feel that I have done a damn good job."

She blushes and smiles.

+++

Fabienne on IM:

"I have been dating this new guy for a couple of months, but do come to Paris, I'd love to see you again."

"Why would you want to see me if you have a new boyfriend?"

"Oh, because I always have such a good time with you and although my new boyfriend is a really nice guy, he is so lazy and unimaginative in bed."

You Need To Get A Hold Of Your Situation...

"... Oh and tell Miss Dara that I'm NOT a whore, thank you very much! I mean, if I am a whore, then what is she... Damn, talk about calling the kettle black!

"If she would entertain her man properly then he wouldn't have to look elsewhere for it. Good luck with the drama you continually run back to."

"So you read the blog?"

"Yup"

"Are you mad now?"

"No, you're not my boyfriend... Are you going to sleep with her tonight and make everything so much more complicated?"

Text messaging with Carolyn this evening.

These are the challenges of having a blog that is not totally anonymous.

+++

I call her. We chat.

"Thank you for always being there for me when I need comforting."

"You're welcome, and I'll always be there for you."

And in what may turn out to be a watershed event I ask...

"Have you ever spoken with Zach?"

"So, Why Is Your Roommate Fucking My Girlfriend?"

On June 20th, 2005 @ 5:45 PM Dara said "I am not fucking with your work. Nobody at your work knows anything."

Last night, at yet another office party, I found out that my employee John does know about his roommate Lloyd's dalliances with Dara. Late in the evening, after sharing a few whiskeys, I ask him "So, why is your roommate fucking my girlfriend?"

I cannot imagine that it was an enjoyable conversation for him to have with his boss. He was immediately crestfallen and apologized for "whatever role he may have played" but it is really not his fault. He astonishingly offered to quit if I felt that I could not work with him anymore. He is a fabulous employee so that is not what I want, and I certainly don't think it would be just.

What John did say was that Lloyd's dick tended to get him into trouble. Maybe Dara ran into a 'player'; I suppose I should have said that Dara's love for dick gets her in trouble but I did not. I did say that Lloyd could have her. I felt that I needed to cleanse myself from the whole Dara episode.

In a way that I cannot understand Dara is still fiercely loyal and protective of Lloyd. Two days ago, after overhearing me dismissing her knight-in-shining-armor disparagingly in a phone conversation, she said "He is not an asshole."

If only he was half as loyal to her. This guy bailed out on her after Dara and I were speaking again, right after she said she would not fuck him last Friday, he said "I like you too much, I don't want to be the rebound guy." Yeah, right. Lloyd probably was only interested in easy pussy and not in someone that was in emotional turmoil. Heck, he has the right attitude – there are 8 million other women in NYC.

I was worried about John's suggestion that he may quit, so today I chose to get our legal and HR folks involved. It is a deeply, DEEPLY personal issue but since it could affect my business and/or my employee's decision to stay or go, I worried about possible legal exposure. I also really wanted him to feel assured that I would not be vindictive. It absolutely killed me to share my personal agony of being cuckolded with my colleagues. But it had to be done. It went well, and John and I decided to put it behind us and never mention it again.

+++

Remember…

On June 20th, 2005 @ 5:45 PM Dara said "I am not fucking with your work. Nobody at your work knows anything."

+++

Last week Dara said "I did not fuck with your work. The only way this is impacting your work is due to your psychological state. Nobody knows anything about Lloyd and me." At the time I believed that was the true, but I felt that it was a terribly callous thing for her to say. The business that I manage is responsible for the livelihood of thousands of families around the world, so my psychological disposition can affect a whole bunch of innocent folks. I have no passion for work anymore, and prior to this crisis I thought that this was the best job I had ever had.

So after I left the bar last night where I learned that John knew about Dara fucking Lloyd. I sent her a couple of text messages while in a cab on my way to Carolyn's place. (I love that Carolyn is always there for me when I am feeling blue. BTW she is breaking up with Jimmy.)

10:01 PM Message 1

"Goodbye & thank you. Lloyd is all yours, knock yourself out. It was waaaay too much for me. It could have been but was not to be. Sweet dreams"

I followed it with Message 2 at 10:06 PM

"Ps. Ms Know It All, John did already know about your fun times.'Nobody knows?' – bullshit. Fuck you for fucking with my work. Let's catch up in hell."

I spoke with her soon thereafter but hung up on her because I did not want to listen to her bullshit any more. Then I turned off my phone.

Here are the messages that I received from her when I turned my phone & computer on this morning:

10:48 PM

"I did NOT lie to you. I did not know that John knew.

You have been out to get me. You have been fucking with my head the last few days and I was putting up with it because I love you, because I know that I fucked up royally and I wanted to make it right.

I would have given anything to make this work. ANYTHING. You are punishing me for a mistake that I have already owned up to and apologized for a thousand times. I will say again, I did not know that John knew. You have just thrown away the best relationship you have ever had – you yourself said this. I would have been absolutely devoted to you for the rest of my life.

I bet you are on your way to Carolyn's house to fuck her brains out. Well you go and do that. Go fuck Carolyn and Angie and Ann and whichever other whores you fuck.

Go drink yourself into oblivion. You will be sad and miserable and lonely for the rest of your life because you blame everyone else for your fuckups. Well FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!

You're right. It could have been. The only reason it was not to be is because you decided it was not to be. Go fuck yourself you fucking hypocrite."

10:57PM:

"I never lied to you. I did not know that he knew. If I did I would have told you. So yeah, see you in hell."

11:46PM:

"My heart is shattered. I can't do this. I need you. I'm sorry a million times over. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please talk to me. I was wrong. I'm the one who is alone."

12:19AM:

"I am not going to stop leaving messages until you call me back. If you wanted to get me back, if you wanted to hurt me you have succeeded, okay. You've ripped my heart out and shredded it into a million pieces. I don't get it, I never lied. I mean, I get it, I understand your anger, I understand your hurt. Please don't let it end this way, please. Please call me back."

10:06AM:

"I'm heartbroken and ashamed. Do you hate me? Is there any chance that you will take me back? I don't want to be without you. I want this relationship more than anything. I really do. I am so so sorry."

10:38AM

"What's the next step … with us?"

10:51AM

"If only I had realized the implications. I will never forgive myself for this. Guilt is something I do very well. I think the only thing I know for sure right now is how much this has impacted your work and your psyche."

2:47PM

"Please don't call it an affair" My response, "Okay, your 'casual fucking sex fling'." She says, "This is obviously not a good time, I'll go now. I'm sorry. Call me later if you want to."

3:05PM

"Do you want me to prostrate myself naked on top of the Empire State Building? Broadcast my transgression to the world via CNN? Clean your toilet with my toothbrush?

WHATEVER IT TAKES!

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to do or say or feel. I'm a mess."

3:15PM, as I pour myself a fresh whiskey, I call Dara and say:

"Dara, you have to believe, no matter what happens to us, that you will be okay. Things have a way of working themselves out.

Come out to the 'burbs tonight"

"Okay" she says a little too quickly.

6:08PM my cellphone rings:

"So, do you want me to come out?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I am leaving work now, I will take a cab from the station."

This should be an interesting evening.

7:29PM Knock, knock

"Who is it?" Zach asks looking out of the peephole "Oh, Hi!!! Dara."

She walks in, hugs & kisses Zach warmly then stands in front of me in the living room somewhat hesitantly .

I kiss her cheek and hug her. I am really happy to see her. "Hi. Would you like a glass of wine?"

I hand her the glass and sit next to her on the couch. I caress her hair. Her hand timidly reaches out for my thigh.

+++

Remember…

On June 20th, 2005 @ 5:45 PM Dara said "I am not fucking with your work. Nobody at your work knows anything."

Dara's Words To Me

Dara wrote this to me today.

I will say this again in the hope that it convinces you more each time I say it: I love you. I have no desire to hurt you or trample your heart. I will be faithful to you. I want our relationship to grow and bloom and deepen.

I do not want anyone else. I want YOU. I want your mind and your heart and your body. I fucked up before and I will never do that again. You are too much for me to lose.

Forgiveness Ought To Be Like A Cancelled Note

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.
Henry Ward Beecher (1813 – 1887)

How does one really forgive and forget and let go? I cannot keep going on and on about this. I want to forgive, I decided to forgive, yet I am harboring all this anger. I keep on bringing up the issue that rocked our relationship. While I don't think I will ever erase it from my mind, I need to put it away and not keep flinging it in her face.

I was angry with Dara yesterday and said some mean hurtful things. Why? Maybe the bourbon had something to do with it. All that Maker's Mark.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

I should be strong. It occurs to me not that I was probably so afraid of commitment because I knew that I was not strong enough to survive getting hurt again. The breakup of my marriage devastated me and I did not want to go there ever again.

I wish I was an easier person to manage. I need to get a grip. I mean, I am me so why can I not manage me?

I also need to stop feeling so goddamn sorry for myself.

Temptation

Temptation #1: I noticed her as soon as I walked into the UPS Store this afternoon. Red hair cut short, freckled skin deeply tanned, wearing low-cut jeans and a snug sleeveless top with a bright floral pattern. "Have you been waiting for long?" I asked to initiate conversation. That was all it took. From the Deep South, her name is Bobby Sue; she has just graduated college and is in NYC for an architecture internship. She was a classic target for me, and she was interested. She finished with her business before I did but hung around until I was done. Wow, I thought. Then I decided that I could not fall off the wagon on the first day as a loyal boyfriend.

Temptation #2: I was eating my lunch in Bryant Park, I had taken off my shirt and was basking in the sun dressed in nothing but my blue-jeans. She was asking park patrons to sign a petition for something or other. As we talked I caught her sneaking glances down at my belly and that area where torso gives way to legs. I feel a stirring inside, "Where are you from?" I ask. Eileen is from Jersey and goes to college in Vancouver. "I could get her number and take it from there" the little devil on my left shoulder thought. But the angel on the right won over. "Here is your petition" I said and picked up my stuff and shuffled back to work.

The Player Hangs Up His Boots, or ... He Finally Grows Up

I have decided that Dara is the woman for me. I wonder why it took this for me to realize it. I have thought about it for a long while and I believe that she is the woman for me.

I will invest in our relationship and really try to make it work. I will be try to be monogamous (tough as it will be). I don't know if I can succeed but I will give it a valiant effort.

Once I decided that Dara was "my girl" I noticed a change in myself. I invited her to a regular gathering that my long, long time friends. Why had I not invited her to these parties before?

So after a year of, eh, dating she is now my girlfriend and, gasp, I am her boyfriend.

A handful of fabulous women (and two men) have been fabulously supportive of me in this period.

Carolyn was there the night that my relationship with Dara exploded. She had found this blog, we have made up and shared significant moments togehter. She has become important to me and I hope she understands my decision. I would like us to remain good friends, and I wish her all the best with Jimmy.

Miranda, ahh, my magical ex-girlfriend who gave me a much needed kick-in-the-pants remains a special friend. I sent her a message telling her how amazing she is. It could not have been too easy for her to give relationship advice to an ex-boyfriend.

My ex-crush Michelle and ex-lover Fabienne have also been there for me. As have my friends Paul & Steve.

I am lucky to have such amazing friends. I do not take them for granted.

Cheers all.