On Boundaries

I have griped long and hard over the last two weeks that Dara's fling was an egregious transgression of boundaries. I still think that it was/is. What has been brought to my mind recently is that I have not been the master respecter of boundaries. I have reflected on that and I have astounded myself with the examples…

A few years ago I broke up with Miranda, my then girlfriend, because she gave me an ultimatum: "Either I stopped seeing Ann or we would have to end our relationship." At the time Ann and I were platonic friends but Miranda found her extraordinarily flirtatious with me, disrespectful of her and wanted no more of it. I chose my friendship with Ann over my relationship – Miranda could not believe it, but to me it was the only response I could give to an ultimatum. Less than a month later after a whiskey bender, I propositioned, slept with and began dating Ann. As Miranda said this week after I moaned to her about Dara, "You don't have a leg to stand on when talking about relationships. You talk about all the 8 million men in NYC. Well there are 8 million women here too. You think I did not want to wring your neck when you slept with and began dating Ann after our breakup."

While I believed we had an open relationship, Dara did say one thing to me clear as day. "I am not happy with our arrangement, but if you are going to see other people I guess I will learn to deal with it but please don't ever sleep with Ann." Ann was the woman I was dating when Dara and I met. I guess it was like being asked not to take a bite of the apple in the Garden of Eden, within a month of that statement Ann and I were hooking up again. Dara found out, was deeply hurt, but stayed. Sorry Dara.

A good while back when I was back in Hometown visiting my family I met an old friend who I had been close to from before kindergarten to adulthood and his new girlfriend. A few nights later I was out at the local hotspot and girlfriend was there without said friend. She pursued me, I responded and we hooked up that night. (FU #1), I felt like a prime piece of shit. So guess what I did to make myself feel better? I told friend that I had screwed up and slept with his girlfriend (FU #2). A few years later I met girlfriend in Hometown and she asked me "Why did you have to tell him?" I guess that was selfish of me, but I am glad he is not married to her. My relationship with friend has never been the same since.

My ex-girlfriend Miranda and I have slept in the same bed twice since we broke up, ostensibly as friends. We are extraordinarily close, but she has made it clear that we will never have a sexual relationship again. So what did I do both times? I made a pass at her. She drop-kicked me to hell each time, but I deserved it. The last time after dinner out I went to sleep on her couch then at some ridiculous hour of 4 or 5 or 6 I got up an went into her room and climbed into her bed. It was good and comfortable because we'd been there before, but it felt awkward because of all the water under the bridge. We talked and she told me that she did not think it appropriate for us to be in 'bed' together given our current circumstances. I did not push it. But I would classify that as a 'pass'

Last summer I made distinct, crass and decidedly unwelcome advances to the younger sister of my son Zach's nanny. The next day I was awoke in a cold sweat thinking that Nanny would quit and I would be up shit's creek, and my ex-wife would have just that more ammunition against me. I apologized and they forgave. I am now helping Nanny's sister get a job in a land far, far away.

Not too, too long ago I flirted with and went out on one date a 21 year old ex employee. Thankfully it did not go anywhere, but what a recipe for disaster.

I once pursued two sisters at the same time. I was chatting with one when she told me that she was estranged from the other and that they did not talk. I immediately began calling the sister. I'll write about what happened in a future post.

So, what do you think? Do I have a leg to stand on in this issue?